New House, Old Problems, But a New Outlook, Maybe

Three weeks ago, I moved house, on very short notice.   Understand, I was told a week before this, my housing people told me 'there's nothing available for a while, and we don't know when something will be'.

So, about three weeks ago, this was the conversation

Housing People-We have an apartment.  Come with us to see it, but if you want it, you'll have to tell us right away.

So, I went, and it was a darn sight better from where I was living, so I said I wanted it.

HP-Start packing.

So I packed and threw away tons, and the bottom line is that I've moved into a new place, where I know no one, and all the neighbours hide(or, of course, have loud hip hop parties on the weekends)  but the place itself is gorgeous.  Once I"m entirely unpacked and have some pictures on the walls, I'll show you.

About a week after I moved in, my depression came back.  In spades.  Loud, obnoxious and horrible, it tried to confine me to my bed, and failed(or maybe I just didn't let it win) and worked on distracting myself.  Unpacking helped.  Writing helped.   I was doing alright.

And then, this moring I woke up, feeling like eighteen elephants were sitting on my chest, and seven Mack Trucks had just run over me.   I felt like I couldn't move.   I didn't want to move.  I cried (for no good reason )at least four times.  I went back to bed and slept past eleven.  Woke up, cried again.

And then, I did something different.  Instead of posting a diatribe on Twitter and Facebook about how awful things were, and how my life sucked, I messaged my two closest friends, and instead of being nasty, I said.  "I'm feeling like absolute shit.  I'm scared.  I hate this, and I hate myself." And they responded with such acceptance, and love and warmth and caring and 'we love you no matter whats'.

And my lovely sis sent me the most wonderful video.  

And I realized, once again, I will get through this.

One of my favourite songs by Paul Weller is 'Above the Clouds'.  I loved it the minute I heard it, but when I found out he'd written it at a time when he was feeling low, and worried about his own future, I loved it twenty times more.  

My favourite part of it, is this

♪  As my anger shouts/At my own self doubt/So a sadness creeps/Into my dreams/When you're scared of livin'/But afraid to die/I get scared of giving/But I must find the faith to make it ♪

Those words sum up for me what living with my depression is.   It's a struggle, it's real, but I don't want to give up, ever.  Yesterday, my therapist suggested I take a course on DBT, which is Diadactical Behavior Therapy.  Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Relations.

Of course, my first thought was "What's wrong with me that I would have to take a CLASS about these things..

And then, after talking to the two people I love the most, (other than Mum) I thought --well, it's almost like learning anything else you don't have the skills for, innit?

And, I suppose it is.

So, I'll try.

And hopefully be better for it.

But I need to remind myself also, that my diagnosis and my problems don't define me.

I'm still me

I'm a writer.

I love books.

I'm a good writer.

I will live and die a proud fan-girl and carry my torch for Paul, and Andy, and every member of that band until I'm in the ground.  And admire them, from a respectful distance.

I will always be an introvert.

Some people will never understand.  Some of those are family.  If they don't want to be in my life, that's THEIR loss, and that's the most difficult part of this, accepting that, and finally letting it go.  I need to stop having those people have so much power in my life.

I can do it.

I have people who truly love me.  On my good, and bad days.

Now, I just have to learn to love myself. 

With help, I hope I can.

I'll keep you posted.

And to my sis, and my kid, I love you.  More than you will ever know.  

KTF.

What a Difference a Month Makes

 So, four weeks ago, I went to a concert.

So many things have changed since then, for the better.   I wrote this, and wanted to share.

Standing at an acceptable distance
I send my adoration forward
It hovers
Before joining with more of the same
Given by present company

We wait for acceptance
Until it arrives
Tentative at first
Then fully embraced
And the exchange begins

A rise and fall
Give and take
Swell and ebb of connection
Overwhelming time
And care
Saving the one fact
I'm home.

An Open Letter

To My Wonderful New Followers, as well as People Who've Favourited or Re-Tweeted me in the past three weeks-

First I want to say thank you all for joining me, liking what I had to say, and even decided to stay.  It means so much, and I don't know if I can explain why, so I'll just say that it does.

Unfortunately, most of you are across the pond, and I don't know if I will ever meet some of you, although I know some of you I DEFINITELY will meet, and we've already begun to talk about the hows and where's and whens.   I honestly can't wait until that day happens.

So, that all said, there are some things you probably should know about me.
First, I'm  a girl.  My first name is ' Anne.

I live in Upstate NY, in a little city called Poughkeepsie.   Not my favourite place at all.  But, it's where I am right now.  Definitely not Where I Should Be.  But I digress.  I'm single.  Some of you already know my age, so that's unnecessary.  But should you truly want to know, I may tell you if you ask nicely.
We've all made each others' acquaintance because four weeks ago, my dear friend Amanda took me to see Paul Weller for the first time in my life.  As most of you know, I've loved Paul on and off, but mostly on, for the the last 30 years.   The only other things I've loved that long are books and my parents.  It was one of the best nights of my life.  I will never stop thanking you for this, Amanda, so get used to it.  I'm already trying to figure out how I can see him live again.
Living across the pond, it's kinda difficult to strike up a conversation about Paul.  I'm mostly met with blank stares unless I mention The Jam, and then I get "Oh, 'A Town Called Malice".  And yes, I've managed somehow to stay out of jail.  So you have to understand how wonderful it is to talk to people about something I love so ,much.
It honestly means the world to me.

Now the boring stuff, about me.
I've been an Anglophile since I was 9, when my 4th grade English Teacher played a recording of Sir Michael Redgrave in Hamlet.  (Yes, he played it on a turntable, so that gives you an idea of how old I am).  I was intrigued and in love.  I went home and took my grandfather's collected works of Shakespeare from the bookshelf and read it.  And understood much of it.  (Most of my classmates were reading Babysitters Club and Nancy Drew).  I was.....an odd child.  And to be honest, I think my fascination with All Things English began when I watched 'My Fair Lady' and fell in love with Rex Harrison.  I was seven.    The accent, I suppose.  I still have the same problem today.  Someone with a plummy voice could say 'doorknob' and I'd swoon.   It's an issue.
I'm planning to visit in the next three years.  If there's any way I can make it happen, I may wind up moving there.  We'll see.

Other things about me.
I love food and cooking, books, reading and writing.  I am always writing something.  I didn't choose it, it chose me.
I am in love with music and some musicians, the ones who write amazing lyrics are the ones I love most.  Hence, well, you know..
I am an introvert to the extreme.  It's not social phobia, it's the fact I can't relate to people well.  So the internet is safe for me.  I have met absolutely wonderful people here.  Amanda, my dearest friend, the one whom I"ll refer to as my kid, on here, is invaluable to me.  I don't know what I"d do without her.
I do make strong friendships here, and I tend to make my attachments quickly.  It's just the way I've always been.  I am a good, loyal friend to have, I think.
-I am way too honest.   To the point of being blunt sometimes.  If anything I say ever hurts you let me know.  It's more than likely I didn't mean it.
I'm a recovering pessimist inching towards cautious optimism.
I'm not looking for a romantic relationship here.  I have enough of those impossible situations in my RL, thank you very much.
I live with major depression.  I occasionally vent about it here.  The short summation of that is some days, "My Ever-Changing Moods" is my theme song.  Capiche?
Moving on.  Actually,. I think that's it.
Yes, I like Every Song On Saturn's Pattern.  I am a CD homer.  If you don't, that's fine.  If you want to tell me why I shouldn't, have a nice day.
I am quite fond of Andy Crofts' band The Moons.
I like all the members of Paul's current band.
Steve Pilgrim is a great drummer.
I think that's everything.
It's great to meet you all, and I hope we'll be talking for a long time, or at least until The Guv hangs up his Ricky.
Tweet at you all soon,
Until then,
I remain
As ever,
Anne