Which I'm sure, will lose me the rest of my friends, and garner me all sorts of grief, but guess what? At this point, I don't care. I'm tired of people telling me they can't deal with me, like I can help the way I'm acting. Granted, I'm not the nicest person right now, I know, but when you think about it, have I ever been a 'nice person?' I think not.
I am, even on my best days,
-jealous
-sarcastic
-opinionated
-outspoken
-brutally, frankly honest.
Nothing much scares me. With me, what you see, basically is what you get. I lost that part of me for the twenty years I was with someone who I thought I could trust, whom I thought I could love, who repeatedly hurt me, this last week for the last time. I know, now, never to give myself away like that again.
I've spent the last three years trying to to get back to myself, which varying results. I lost a lot of friends because of it. Today I lost my last two. I have nothing for all my efforts. I don't see the point to this anymore.
No one thinks I care about them, I matter to no one. I tried to make a difference. I even shared the story of my struggle with a mental health website-they didn't even post it.
People say I push them away. Maybe now they can understand why. The truth of the matter is, I will never be able to have a normal relationship with anyone. I'm too damaged. I have to be alone, even though I don't deserve it. I just wanted to hear an unsolicited "I love you' every now and then. I wanted someone to just sit with me.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
A Fairy Tale---Of Sorts
Once upon a time there was an little show on Food Network called, "The Next Food Network Star" . The concept was that amateur cooks from around the country would send in their videos, telling why they deserved to have their own show on the network. If their videos were selected, they would be asked to come to New York to audition, and if they were chosen, they would be one of a number of contestants on the actual show.
The contestants would be put through a series of rigorous cooking 'challenges' all meant to gauge how well they would do in all the areas that a cooking show features-speaking, presenting on camera, the ability to teach, and the ability to do one (or more ) of these things at once. An interesting idea, which struggled its first season-and unfortunately the winners of said first season are long forgotten. (although I remember them; a good looking gay couple who did something along the line of "Easy and Elegant Entertaining":--and GOD no, that wasn't the title of the program, so that can't be blamed for its failure.
For some reason though the ratings were good enough that they brought the show back for a second season. The winner that year was Guy Fieri. And at that point, things went rapidly downhill.
Sure the show was sometimes fun to watch, if you enjoy bloody train wrecks. Apparently, a lot of people did. Seasons went past, some with scandal, others with blandness.
IMHO, the best season ever was the one where Alton Brown guested on a few episodes, and uttered the line, in frustration-"Can't we just send them ALL home?" Now that, was brilliance on tv.
Time went on, and the show remained popular. Some of the staples on the network loved the show and guested every year, some people voiced, quietly and snarkily, their negative opinions.
Flash forward to this year. Perhaps the franchise was dying because low and behold, a new formt was announced for the show's 8th season. Instead of the contestants being on their own, there would be
-teams
and
-mentors
Three to be exact. And joy of joys, the winner would not only get their own show, but have it produced by their teams mentor.
The mentors were: Giada DeLaurentiis, Bobby Flay, and --wait for it---Alton Brown Yes, you read right, Alton Brown. Not the same Alton Brown who seemingly loathed the show from its inception?
you ask in horror. Yeah, that Alton Brown. Although, if you read what he said about it in January, it doesn't seem like he's especially thrilled.
http://altonbrown.com/2012/01/463/
Now this was written months ago, and perhaps the Great Man's mind may have changed, but I don't know. He tweets about the show each Sunday, sounding sad and beaten down at least once. His body language is stiff, and if he cracks a smile--especially in the later episodes, it looks like it hurts him to do so. In fact, in the previews for the the next to last episode, he's crying.
Oh, Alton. It worries me. Giada and Bobby seem happy and encouraging, but you? You seem to be acting as if you're the captain of a sinking ship. And the remaining two team members, esp Justin, who for some inexplicable reason everyone loves, are unwatchable.
I wonder why you agreed to do the show at all. And I wonder if there will be a happily ever after-for you, even if your team wins. What about the shows you were promised? I see so many others on FN get new shows, most of them insipid, but never you, dear man. :(
I guess it remains to be seen.
Mr Brown, if you've read my blog before you KNOW where my heart is concerning you. Please don't take offense.
And instead of "The End", let me just leave this at
"To Be Continued"
Peace, Alton. Always. In the most non threatening, and kindest way possible, I love you.
The contestants would be put through a series of rigorous cooking 'challenges' all meant to gauge how well they would do in all the areas that a cooking show features-speaking, presenting on camera, the ability to teach, and the ability to do one (or more ) of these things at once. An interesting idea, which struggled its first season-and unfortunately the winners of said first season are long forgotten. (although I remember them; a good looking gay couple who did something along the line of "Easy and Elegant Entertaining":--and GOD no, that wasn't the title of the program, so that can't be blamed for its failure.
For some reason though the ratings were good enough that they brought the show back for a second season. The winner that year was Guy Fieri. And at that point, things went rapidly downhill.
Sure the show was sometimes fun to watch, if you enjoy bloody train wrecks. Apparently, a lot of people did. Seasons went past, some with scandal, others with blandness.
IMHO, the best season ever was the one where Alton Brown guested on a few episodes, and uttered the line, in frustration-"Can't we just send them ALL home?" Now that, was brilliance on tv.
Time went on, and the show remained popular. Some of the staples on the network loved the show and guested every year, some people voiced, quietly and snarkily, their negative opinions.
Flash forward to this year. Perhaps the franchise was dying because low and behold, a new formt was announced for the show's 8th season. Instead of the contestants being on their own, there would be
-teams
and
-mentors
Three to be exact. And joy of joys, the winner would not only get their own show, but have it produced by their teams mentor.
The mentors were: Giada DeLaurentiis, Bobby Flay, and --wait for it---Alton Brown Yes, you read right, Alton Brown. Not the same Alton Brown who seemingly loathed the show from its inception?
you ask in horror. Yeah, that Alton Brown. Although, if you read what he said about it in January, it doesn't seem like he's especially thrilled.
http://altonbrown.com/2012/01/463/
Now this was written months ago, and perhaps the Great Man's mind may have changed, but I don't know. He tweets about the show each Sunday, sounding sad and beaten down at least once. His body language is stiff, and if he cracks a smile--especially in the later episodes, it looks like it hurts him to do so. In fact, in the previews for the the next to last episode, he's crying.
Oh, Alton. It worries me. Giada and Bobby seem happy and encouraging, but you? You seem to be acting as if you're the captain of a sinking ship. And the remaining two team members, esp Justin, who for some inexplicable reason everyone loves, are unwatchable.
I wonder why you agreed to do the show at all. And I wonder if there will be a happily ever after-for you, even if your team wins. What about the shows you were promised? I see so many others on FN get new shows, most of them insipid, but never you, dear man. :(
I guess it remains to be seen.
Mr Brown, if you've read my blog before you KNOW where my heart is concerning you. Please don't take offense.
And instead of "The End", let me just leave this at
"To Be Continued"
Peace, Alton. Always. In the most non threatening, and kindest way possible, I love you.
It Started with A Tweet
A simple thing I said, expressing my opinion. I had no idea what would happen after that. I said it Friday evening.
Before @EatFellowHumans, there was @altonbrown. Sad so many seem to have forgotten that. No one who follows me, but the unwashed masses.
Just an expression of opinion right? Cue music-
As Scott Bakula says, repeatedly, in Quantum Leap- Oh, boy.
No sooner than I'd tweeted it, well, the deluge-first from Justin Warner(@EatFellowHumans) one of the contestants on Food Network Star, then from all his fans.
OH
MY
GOD
It got worse from there. I was insulted, harassed, called any number of names, from 'hater' 'unstable' and my VERY PERSONAL favorite- 'stalker'. It went on all weekend, and sadly, it's still going on. The saddest thing is that people un-followed me on twitter. People whom I've seen say MUCH worse things to people they've disliked. People who I considered friends.
I don't get it. Well, maybe I do. When the majority rules, the minority gets its ass kicked. Forget freedom of speech, and there's a great song about that, but it's loaded with f-bombs and after my '50 Shades' post, I've learned my lesson. But if you're dying to listen it's by Ice-T(yes, the little white girl listens to rap) and it's called Quel Suprise, "Freedom of Speech" you can find it on youtube. In fact, I think I'll listen to it after I finish this post.
The voicing of an unpopular opinion on social media makes you automatically a target, and I'll confess, this is NOT the first time it's happened to me. I guess, as I suffer from Anne Frank Syndrome ("Above All, I still believe people are good at heart') I think it might not happen this time.
But it did. And it may make me a little wary from now on, or---it may not.
And if nothing else, it's a great story. :)
Splendid Isolation Ain't That Pretty At All
One of the best things about having Warren Zevon as a principal muse and DH is that you've got a plethora of song titles to use as subjects for blog posts. I love you, dear man, wherever you are.
When I was a psychology minor, I loved to learn how the human mind worked. What made us tick, and what made us do what we did. The brain really is an amazing organ, which is a rather limited and juvenile statement, but true, nonetheless.
Unfortunately, things happen. And sometimes, the brain doesn't work the way it should. There are tumors, and aneurysms and blot clots and strokes. All medical problems. When someone suffers from any one of these things, people will be supportive of the person, rally around them, and help them any way they can. It's seen as tragic.
And then there are other things that could go wrong with the brain. Things like chemical imbalances, a lot of which fall under the category of (ominous music) mental illness.
There are few words that clear a room faster than those two. Alright, maybe not clear a room, exactly, but cause people to shuffle their feet, look away, change the subject. No one wants to talk about it, and it's sad. It's proven fact that one in ten people in this world suffers from mental illness, in some form. Some worse than others.
Let me get to my point. If you look in my file that my wonderful therapist Scott has on me, you'll see my first diagnosis is 'Major Depression,(recurrent). Ah that 'r' word. I've had it since I was thirteen, which means I've lived with it for thirty-five years.
Major Depression is a funny thing. It comes and goes. The last bout I had of it occurred two years ago when my 20 year relationship broke up. I was pretty sure that one would have killed me, but I bounced back. I was on Zoloft for a while, and that helped, but the constant weight gain, the carbohydrate craving and the inability to cry proved almost as bad as the depression. I tried Cymbalta, that made me sick to my stomach. Lexapro and Welbutrin gave me miserable headaches. I was on an anxiety drug for a while, and that seemed to fix my anxiety.
In short, I've been on five medications, and none have 'worked' whatever that means. For a while, I was fine, meaning I cared about stuff, I was in a pleasant mood, I got things done. Last October, my godmother, who I love dearly, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She's now in assisted living. I was not allowed to help or make any decisions about her care. Because I spoke up about that, I am now disowned from most of my family. I fell into another depression, which has been hanging on since then.
Depression makes you mean. Depression makes you tired. Depression takes the good-natured person I used to be and turns me into someone who cries all day and screams at everyone, at parents, at friends, at God. I don't want to do anything go anywhere.
I wake up crying and I go to sleep the same way. This is NOTHING that I've chosen. If I could feel any other way I would. This is not 'feeling sorry for myself'. I go to therapy regularly. I have a psychiatrist. Some days, when I'm up to it, I do go out. I do eat, I do clean. The worse it gets the harder it is to do daily things.
As I've said, no one wants to deal with it.
Today I made the decision to go into intensive treatment. Instead of being happy, I feel like the biggest failure in the universe.
I'm afraid I will lose what little I have left.
I live with major depression. I don't know how much longer I can live with it.
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