New House, Old Problems, But a New Outlook, Maybe

Three weeks ago, I moved house, on very short notice.   Understand, I was told a week before this, my housing people told me 'there's nothing available for a while, and we don't know when something will be'.

So, about three weeks ago, this was the conversation

Housing People-We have an apartment.  Come with us to see it, but if you want it, you'll have to tell us right away.

So, I went, and it was a darn sight better from where I was living, so I said I wanted it.

HP-Start packing.

So I packed and threw away tons, and the bottom line is that I've moved into a new place, where I know no one, and all the neighbours hide(or, of course, have loud hip hop parties on the weekends)  but the place itself is gorgeous.  Once I"m entirely unpacked and have some pictures on the walls, I'll show you.

About a week after I moved in, my depression came back.  In spades.  Loud, obnoxious and horrible, it tried to confine me to my bed, and failed(or maybe I just didn't let it win) and worked on distracting myself.  Unpacking helped.  Writing helped.   I was doing alright.

And then, this moring I woke up, feeling like eighteen elephants were sitting on my chest, and seven Mack Trucks had just run over me.   I felt like I couldn't move.   I didn't want to move.  I cried (for no good reason )at least four times.  I went back to bed and slept past eleven.  Woke up, cried again.

And then, I did something different.  Instead of posting a diatribe on Twitter and Facebook about how awful things were, and how my life sucked, I messaged my two closest friends, and instead of being nasty, I said.  "I'm feeling like absolute shit.  I'm scared.  I hate this, and I hate myself." And they responded with such acceptance, and love and warmth and caring and 'we love you no matter whats'.

And my lovely sis sent me the most wonderful video.  

And I realized, once again, I will get through this.

One of my favourite songs by Paul Weller is 'Above the Clouds'.  I loved it the minute I heard it, but when I found out he'd written it at a time when he was feeling low, and worried about his own future, I loved it twenty times more.  

My favourite part of it, is this

♪  As my anger shouts/At my own self doubt/So a sadness creeps/Into my dreams/When you're scared of livin'/But afraid to die/I get scared of giving/But I must find the faith to make it ♪

Those words sum up for me what living with my depression is.   It's a struggle, it's real, but I don't want to give up, ever.  Yesterday, my therapist suggested I take a course on DBT, which is Diadactical Behavior Therapy.  Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Relations.

Of course, my first thought was "What's wrong with me that I would have to take a CLASS about these things..

And then, after talking to the two people I love the most, (other than Mum) I thought --well, it's almost like learning anything else you don't have the skills for, innit?

And, I suppose it is.

So, I'll try.

And hopefully be better for it.

But I need to remind myself also, that my diagnosis and my problems don't define me.

I'm still me

I'm a writer.

I love books.

I'm a good writer.

I will live and die a proud fan-girl and carry my torch for Paul, and Andy, and every member of that band until I'm in the ground.  And admire them, from a respectful distance.

I will always be an introvert.

Some people will never understand.  Some of those are family.  If they don't want to be in my life, that's THEIR loss, and that's the most difficult part of this, accepting that, and finally letting it go.  I need to stop having those people have so much power in my life.

I can do it.

I have people who truly love me.  On my good, and bad days.

Now, I just have to learn to love myself. 

With help, I hope I can.

I'll keep you posted.

And to my sis, and my kid, I love you.  More than you will ever know.  

KTF.