A man can be destroyed but not defeated. ~ Ernest Hemingway
Mr. Brown tweeted these two things over the weekend, and it got me thinking. What is the difference between feeling destroyed and being defeated, and more importantly, how do you avoid "letting defeat happen to you." It's something that's been on my mind frequently during the last six months, which explains why I've been absent from the blogosphere.
Long story short, my depression has gotten much worse, despite many attempts by my wonderful treatment team to alleviate the problem, I've suffered long bouts of writer's block, and my family has pretty much disowned me. That's the bad news. 'Is there good news?" you ask? Well, in a way, sort of.
A few days ago, one of my dearest friends asked me "What do you do when you feel so awful you think there's no hope, no future, nothing?"
I'm still not sure where the answer came from, but this is what I said. "You go on. You go on because you have to. If you don't feel like doing anything at all, well then, don't, but don't let that go past two days to a week at most. You can't quit. Eventually, you'll find something that makes you want to go on, to want to try."
And, as it so happens, they did find something, not that I doubted they would. She's a wonderful woman, who's spirit, faith and perseverance put me to shame. I am blessed and grateful to have her as a sister.
So, I suppose my point is, nothing is necessarily over, even though you may feel it is. Here are some things that help me to find hope in those dark times.
My faith-It has nothing to do with my being a Cradle Catholic, because believe me I've done more than enough exploration of other religions and philosophies. It works for me in a way sometimes nothing else will. It gives me peace and solace, in these very uncertain times.
My friends, and, over the past two years, I've lost a lot of them. I know why for some, not so much for others. I feel some of it has to do with finding my own voice and not being afraid to speak up for myself instead of retreating, keeping quiet and tacitly agreeing. Leaving an abusive relationship helped with that. One thing I know is that the friends I've managed to keep are priceless to me. I would do anything for them, and they me. I love them all more than the Purple Prada bag I will one day purchase for myself, and you'd best believe I will. :)
My writing- I've been writing since I was seven years old. It is my salvation, and my vocation, and while it is, at times, the bane of my existence, I have no idea it's the reason I'm on the planet. I may not ever write the Great American Novel, or even a NYT Best Seller, but I will be published one day.
I can't believe I've been given the gift some people tell me I have if I'm not supposed to use it.
My deep, abiding, inexplicable love and respect for Alton Walter Crawford Brown. Despite the way he sometimes presents himself on Twitter, and some of the people he supports, I have personal experience of the man, and will always say that every time I've seen and spoken with him, he's been nothing but genuine, warm and gracious to me. There's just something about him, I suppose. I believe we all encounter one or two people who have an impact on our lives as he's had on mine. Last year, after spending far more time talking with me than he should have, he actually turned back to me to answer a question. I asked, "I know you say you know where you're going after you die, but what do you do when you're feeling badly about yourself and have a hard time believing that?"
He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, that's when you need to believe it the most." I've thought about that often over the past six months, and he's right. God loves us even when, (and I feel sometimes, especially) when we don't see the God things about ourselves. If and when I see AB again, I will thank him for that, and for everything. I hope he will understand how he's helped me.
Finally, my deep, constant and just mystifying love for Warren William Zevon. Listen to that song kids. Seven/four time, bitches I like to say, and that's just a sampling of the talent that man had. He was brilliant, and tortured in life, but at his core, he was a good man. I don't think anyone who's read his bio can think differently.
He always wanted to be a Catholic, and I like to think he is one now. His words and music have inspired me greatly, and just yesterday, I got the news that a poem I wrote, that was inspired by him, will be featured on an author's blog tomorrow. Here's the link, and the shameless plug.
I feel drawn to Warren in a strange way. I'm not sure what it means, but I do love him as much as if he were alive. Yeah, it's nuts, but I don't care.
So, that's about all of what I do to keep mind and soul together when things get bad. If you've read this far, don't be shy about telling me what works for you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, empty pages are calling, and well, I've gotta go on. Watch this space. :)
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