Which I'm sure, will lose me the rest of my friends, and garner me all sorts of grief, but guess what? At this point, I don't care. I'm tired of people telling me they can't deal with me, like I can help the way I'm acting. Granted, I'm not the nicest person right now, I know, but when you think about it, have I ever been a 'nice person?' I think not.
I am, even on my best days,
-jealous
-sarcastic
-opinionated
-outspoken
-brutally, frankly honest.
Nothing much scares me. With me, what you see, basically is what you get. I lost that part of me for the twenty years I was with someone who I thought I could trust, whom I thought I could love, who repeatedly hurt me, this last week for the last time. I know, now, never to give myself away like that again.
I've spent the last three years trying to to get back to myself, which varying results. I lost a lot of friends because of it. Today I lost my last two. I have nothing for all my efforts. I don't see the point to this anymore.
No one thinks I care about them, I matter to no one. I tried to make a difference. I even shared the story of my struggle with a mental health website-they didn't even post it.
People say I push them away. Maybe now they can understand why. The truth of the matter is, I will never be able to have a normal relationship with anyone. I'm too damaged. I have to be alone, even though I don't deserve it. I just wanted to hear an unsolicited "I love you' every now and then. I wanted someone to just sit with me.
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