And Then There Were Six

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I love this photo, and I'll tell you why.   It's candid, it's a bit vague, but I know the story behind it.  In that moment I was happy.  I was proud of myself and I liked myself because I'd just done something great for another human being, someone I admired( and still admire) greatly.
Seeing what happened, later that night, and for the last two years, it seems I've spent most of the time trying to get back to that moment, to that place of well being and contentment.   It's been a struggle.
I've written a great deal this year, about my writing, and about living with my depression.  Sometimes it's been helpful, sometimes it's made things worse.   I know some things I've said here have offended people, and honestly, that wasn't my intent at all.  I offer apologies for anyone I may have unintentionally hurt.
I'm a work in progress, as always, and so much of 'what happens next' for me is uncertain.   My faith has slipped a lot, I've lost a lot of trust in people.   I don't like not knowing what happens next, and abhor change, even though I know things have to change, or you can't move forward.
So hence the title of this post.   There are six weeks left to this less than stellar year, and while I have many things to say, I think I'll keep it to the positive stuff.  So, I'd say this year I've learned to-
-Keep my mouth shut sometimes, to not pick fights, to try to make peace, rather than creative dissension, whenever possible.
-I've learned to be more gentle with people.  To breathe, to take a step back, and to work on my patience.  After all, I need that from others, now more than ever.  I'm not saying I'm completely successful all the time, I'm still working on that.  It's a process.
-I've learned I'm not as hideous as I think I am.  I've been forgiven so much this year, and I am so grateful for that.
-I've learned to detach , with love, from people and situations who can't change, who refuse to give an inch.  The brick wall won't crack, and I need to let it go, and accept what is, and rest my aching head and heart.
To everyone who's helped me this year thank you.  I won't go through the list of names, oh, hell, I have to mention a few.
To Lisa, and Amy, and Jules.  Again, thank you all, for everything.  I know we will be friends until we're in the ground, and yes, I'm going first.  You are my true sisters.
To Amanda, thanks for hanging on so far.   I know it hasn't been easy, but I'm getting there.  You'll see.
To my wonderful friends in the writing and culinary community- Michael Ruhlman, Simon Majumdar, and Jehangir Mehta, again, for the encouragement, for being willing to follow me on Twitter, for interacting with me so frequently, a million thanks.   I love you guys so damned much.
So long, 2012.  Up the staircase to 2013.  Head up, eyes forward.  Let's go!!!

Regarding 'The Next Iron Chef'

If you follow me on Twitter, or are a friend of mine on Facebook, you'll know, that since August,  I've been posting and tweeting about 'The Next Iron Chef-Redemption' and the contestant that I've been supporting, Chef Jehangir Mehta.  Which reminds me.   Go vote for him.  Here. NOW.  I'll wait.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/next-iron-chef-fan-vote/package/index.html
Finished?  Good, then I'll continue. :P
This Sunday, 3 days (or 2, if you want to be picky )  from now,'The Next Iron Chef-Redemption' starts, at 9pm EST on Food Network.    If you've never watched it, it's really a fun show.  Think of it as combination of 'Survivor' and 'The Amazing Race' only with cooking challenges, and somewhat bigger egos, where some of the chefs are concerned. And I'd be lying if I said I won't be watching to see what Alton Brown will be wearing every week, along with the fact he makes a great host, and his interactions with the chefs are always for lack of a better word, interesting.  There'll be drama, backstabbing, tears, and of course, Redemption for one person.
  I'm hoping it's Chef Mehta, and if you'll indulge me, as there are three days left, here are three reasons -(musical fanfare)
Chef Jehangir Mehta Should Be The Next Iron Chef

1. He Loves NYC, and He Does Tons of Charity Work
2. He Has Fantastic Cooking Chops And Skills
3. He's a Beautiful Person, Inside and Out     

To elaborate on each point
He really does do TONS of charity work.  There's hardly a week that goes by that I've not seen him either tweet or post on his Facebook page about some event he's either involved in or hosting.  He's done dinners for Autism Speaks, and for Breast Cancer Research, to name two.  He's also spoken about Childhood Literacy, a cause very near to my heart.   He gives often of his time, and of his talents.
Speaking of his talents, the man can COOK.  Watching him cook and create is fascinating, but that's not all that makes him Iron Chef worthy, in my opinion. Yes, he did start out as a pastry chef, and he is still is a (pardon my French) damned good one, he's so much more than that, and he demonstrates that every day at his two restaurants, Graffiti and Mehtaphor, both in NYC.   I've had the pleasure of eating at Graffiti twice so far this year, and none of the dishes I've tasted have disappointed me.  Again, though, it's more than that.  It's the way the food is prepared, and the way it's presented, with such care and love.  You can tell that cooking is not only the man's profession, but he is truly passionate about what he does.  If and when you get a chance, go.  I'm actually headed to Mehtaphor this coming Thursday, provided the trains are running, and the world isn't set on it's ear again.
His skills, combined with that passion would make him an excellent Iron Chef.
Finally, as I said, he is truly a beautiful person, inside and out, and this is not only what I feel, but what others have told me about him.  As I've said before, I've followed his career since 2009, when he was on NIC the first time.   Throughout the competition, as the contestants were eliminated I saw them display a variety of emotions, from sadness to rage.  When, however, Chef Mehta lost to Chef Jose Garces in the final battle, his reaction was one of the most gracious I have ever seen.  It impressed me.
That's one of the reasons that, when I found out back in August, that he was returning this year, I decided to support him, and when I asked him to follow me on Twitter, I was beyond pleased that he did.  I had the pleasure of meeting him in September, and as nervous as I was, he took it all in stride.  He even followed me outside Graffiti when I left that night, and thanked me again for coming.
  This will probably embarrass him, and if it does, I apologize, but he is, as I like to say, a real person, very humble, completely without guile.   The best example of this is something that happened last week, when I was having a very bad day, and I asked him for a few encouraging words.  He took the time, not only to tweet me back, but say something that made me feel a million times better.  I am happy to call him a friend.
  Okay, so these reasons aren't exactly unbiased, but they are honest.
I wish all the competitors good luck on the show, and I look forward to seeing how it all unfolds.
Happy watching, everyone!n

A Brief, Personal Update

Sorry I haven't been blogging, or even writing these days. I've not really been in a mood to write, even as Nanowrimo is again upon us once again.  My heart isn't in it, and that's probably because...
I've been back in rehab for the past two weeks, and just found out I'm there for at least another ten days.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Sure, the groups help, the individual therapy helps, there are days when I actually feel like I've Learned Something, whatever that may be, but let's be frank.  I won't be in Rehab forever, I won't have all the constant supports around me in my life for more than the next week, at most, and I wonder most days, how I'll get through.
I'm also on a new med, Delpin--(which, after getting the RX filled and staring at the bottle for a week, I am finally taking).  It's too soon to tell, of course, if it works.  It's not very comforting to know that not many of the doctors or therapists I've spoken to, have heard of it.  As always, we'll see.
I suppose the bottom line is, I'm still here.  I've lived with my depression for thirty years now, and if I'm truly honest, not all of it has been horrible.   It's just with Winter approaching and everything else....well, I think you know.   Then again, maybe I'm stronger than I think I am.  Maybe.