Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

Unfortunately, dear readers, my depression is back in spades. It's worse than it's been in quite some time. I don't know what's worse, the feeling sad, or the feeling lonely. I know that I am, without a doubt, going to lose the remaining friends that I have, if things don't get better.

I REFUSE to go into the hospital. Two and a half hours of group therapy, vs twenty-0ne hours of eating industrial food and staring at stark white walls is not going to help.

My own therapist has done some grievous bodily injury to himself, and no one at the clinic seems to know when he will return. Just so you all know, NO, I AM NOT SUICIDAL.

However, if I died in my sleep in the near future, I wouldn't mind.

I miss my dad. I miss my dad, and my grandparents, and my aunt, the one aunt who believed that her brother-in-law was molesting me, when no one else did. Unfortunately, no one ever listened to her, either.

Today, I talked to my brother, and asked him if it bothered him that we were not close. He gave me a a half-hearted, 'yeah, a little'. His excuse for never trying to have a relationship with me, "We don't have that much in common." Great. Translation: "I really don't care". I know, some of you will say I'm wrong about that, but I know him.

My mom is very helpful, and supportive as she can be(she suffered a brief bout of depression when I was a kid), but I have so much guilt about telling her what's going on. But, if I don't talk, my head will explode.

And then there's my aunt, the wife of the uncle who molested me, and her alcoholic son, both who hate me., simply because I spoke up for myeself at Christmas, who threatened to slap me(her) and threatened to 'strangle me where I stood' (him) on the day after Christmas. This woman, whom I apologized to, who tells me I didn't apologize, who thinks she did nothing wrong, and who poisoned my brother and his wife against me. She's allowed to be happy. While I stay up at night, sad and feeling awful.

So much crap, too much for one entry.

I'm ready to just well, quit.

And by quit, I mean, just not talk to anyone...at all.