So Alone I Keep the Wolves At Bay

It's a better title than "Life Sucks, And Then You Die, " don't you think? I do.

Well, let's see, it's been just about six months since my life fell apart, and what have I learned? Not a whole lot of good stuff.

Let's get out the score card, shall we?

Friends Lost: 3

Family Lost: More than half

Faith: Hanging On By A Thread

Self Esteem: Less Than Zero

And no, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, though by rights I should be. Through all of this, up until this point, I've tried to keep busy, been there for all my friends(Two went through major crises)looked for work, and wrote. Also tried to turn a twenty year relationship into a friendship. But now, I'm DONE. I need someone to take care of me. When I brought this up to my friends, all but two of them were there for me. I am so grateful for those two, who both live much to far away from me. What irks me most are now, that I've vocalized how abandoned I feel, all the other people who considered themselves my 'friends' are protesting my calling them out. In answer, I ask them this?

Did any of you ever---

Send me an unsolicited e mail (Hi, Anne, haven't seen you on LJ for a while, are you ok?)

Sent me a PM on LJ (You ok, or any variation of that)

Jess, Ash, and T, you are all excluded---but you guys are young, and I didn't want to burden you with my crap.

So please. Don't now, automatically claim 'close frienship',. when we know it's not true. I'd like to say that's ok, but it's not, it hurts. What I wouldn't have given for some correspondence, anything. I'd been talking about how bad things were on LJ for a while. When I stopped writing, you would think someone might have worried.

It's ok, I know I don't matter. I've accepted that. I will be alone for the rest of my life, while other people who know how to play the game do just fine.

I'm better off alone. For those who understand, and I know who you are, I love you guys.

For everyone else? Ciao.

I make no apologies for what I've written here. I think I have every right to feel the way I do.

PS. For everyone who still thinks I'm not being fair, you can write me One4saul@aol.com, or leave a comment. I PROMISE I'll respond. I have nothing else to do. :(