Affairs, Familial and Otherwise

My mom visited recently, and it taught me a few important lessons about, well people in general, and my family specifically.   Seeing as one of the things I said during the visit was (and yes, this is verbatim) "F**k, F**k, F**k, it's just a word, that's all!!!!!!!!!!",  I suppose you can all guess how it went.  At this point I'm pretty sure the relationship between Mom and I is over, in the sense that it will never be anything good.  I've tried so hard, and she's not tried at all.  She says she does, but it lasts for such a short amount of time it doesn't matter.
My brother and I do not speak   He has a block on his phone for my number and he and his wife despise me because, in their words, they 'don't deal with emotional people'--apparently they enjoy the company of robots or something.
.  I just don't know, and honestly, I don't want to think about it, blog about it, or talk about it anymore.
  Next topic please, and quickly.'
Affairs of the mind-  I had said to myself, when I started this blog two years ago, I was going to make it about two things, writing, and living with mental illness.  In the past few months, I've strayed off those topics, I know, and I need to get back on track.  I know some of what I write may be uncomfortable for people to read, they may wonder why I talk about it, but it's what I choose to do.   Change can only be affected when people speak up.   All the great social reforms were championed by people who weren't afraid to speak up.
Did they get grief for it?   You bet.  Some died for their causes.   All of that doesn't really scare me in the slightest.   I believe in educating people about mental illnesses, especially things like anxiety and depression, which the majority of the world seems to believe can be 'snapped out of" or looked on as personal flaws that  people can help themselves out of.  It's not true.
  Living with it is a struggle, but it doesn't mean that people who do  live with it are miserable constantly  Even though I'm going through a really bad time right now, I can still manage to get up and do what I need to do.  I still have things that make me laugh, I still can go out to a movie, or our to dinner by myself like I did last week, but I know that even though I may have fun, I'm not enjoying those things as much as I could be, and that's what makes things difficult,  I would give anything in the world to get back to the person I used to be, the one who didn't have panic attacks, who could sleep through the night, who had her moments of absolute bliss-although I did come close last Thursday night. I want to get back to that person more personally, someone who's able to do the Snoopy Dance again, head back, feet moving, beaming, arms out, embracing life again.
  As this is Suicide Awareness and Prevention day, I just wanted everyone to know that anyone who's ever struggled with suicidal feelings and spoken about them is not weak, or looking for attention,   They are looking to end the pain that has been their almost constant companion for how ever long it is.  I pray that none of you ever experience such pain.  Please, if you have a friend or loved one who mentions taking their own life, take them seriously.   Do the best you can to get them to seek help.  Go with them to an appointment if that's the only way they'll  go.  Love them and hug them, and tell them you need them, even if you think they won't believe it.  They need it.
  Finally, affairs of the heart.  When  I love someone, I love them completely, and most likely, a friend will have me for life, if they're willing to bear with me through the hard times.  I have a few that I am thankful for-so to Lisa, and Amanda, and the two Julies, and Jess and Amy, and Brenda, all far away but ever close in my heart, THANK YOU.    I would surely have lost it this year without you guys.
And to Mr Brown, and to J-and dear Stanley--you'll never understand, but I love you.  Be well.
To be contnued, I suppose, and I hope