So many things to say...

https://twitter.com/walters_furry/status/256443771678511104/photo/1

*Sigh*.   So, it's the eve of my birthday(and no, a lady never tells her age) and five days before I go back to rehab again.  I'm torn between thinking I'm a loser and knowing I'm doing the exact right thing for myself.  I need to get away, to do some thinking, and most importantly, do my work so I can better take care of myself and be the person I'm supposed to be, content, healthy and well.

  We'll see.

I've been thinking a great deal about everything, and yesterday my cousin sent me a bunch of old photos of our family.   I found the one of myself and I know there are a lot of things I want to say to that kid, so here goes.

-You're beautiful

-You're smart(smarter than many kids your age, and yes, this will be a problem because there weren't many programs for gifted kids back then)  You'll feel different, but you'll be alright.

-Some bad shit is going to happen to you, and it's not your fault.  It'll feel like it is, but it's not, really.  Trust me.  I wish I could have told you that then, but I'm telling you now.

-It's not your responsibility to make everyone around you happy.  They need to do their work.  ----Take care of yourself, have fun.  You're four, for God's sake.  A four year old shouldn't worry like you do.

-Half the things your mom is going to tell you are wrong.  You're not weird, strange, abnormal.  You are you, and that's fine.

-Keep making up stories in your head.   In a few years, you'll start to write them down.  It will serve you well.

-Keep singing.

-Finally, it gets better.  It does, and it will.

-l love you, kid.  

Well, that was cathartic.   As I begin another year, and I start again, I'm not going to make any sweeping promises to myself that everything will miraculously turn around.  But, I'm going to do my work, and more importantly, be proud of the fact that I'm strong enough to do it.

  A few weeks ago a fairly new friend of mine told me I was brave, and that blew my mind.  When I asked him why, this is what he said.

Jehangir Mehta ‏@jehangir_mehta

@walters_furry you are up each day and do what is expected of you, whether you want to or not. That is being brave in my eyes

After thinking about this for a while, I agree.  Thanks again, J.

I''m going to do my best.   

Wish me luck.

Look! A Post that Actually Sticks to What I Said the Theme of This Blog Is!

This is not a happy post, so you have all been warned.  If you're not interested, or if you don't care to read about the set backs and trials of being a writer, or the drawbacks and struggles of living with depression, then you're welcome to leave now, I'll wait.

Have they gone?  Alright, if there's anyone left, here goes.

Let's start with this, a small sampling of the kind of reaction all my submissions have gotten over the past few years.  Understand, a very small sample--I have at least one hundred more rejections-
DateTitleOrganizationStatus
04/29/2010AbsolutionPalooka - PoetryDeclined
08/19/2012All Saints DayFiction Fix - FictionIn-Progress
07/31/2010CrossroadsThe Associative Press - PoetryDeclined
05/16/2010CrossroadsHayden's Ferry Review - poetryDeclined
06/05

/2012Full HoneymoonLinden Avenue - Flash FictionDeclined
05/29/2012Full HoneymoonFlash Fiction Online - OTHERDeclined
07/15/2012Mikusinski-Poems Crossroads, Part One, and InterludeBlue Lyra Review - PoetryDeclined
06/10/2012PoetryA Few Lines Magazine - PoetryDeclined
05/31/2012PoetryOstrich Review - PoetryDeclined
06/28/2012Poetry SubmissionThe Boiler Journal - PoetryDeclined
06/25/2012Poetry Submission42 Magazine - PoetryDeclined
06/18/2012Poetry SubmissionHyphenate Magazine - PoetryIn-Progress
06/15/2012Poetry SubmissionBurningword Literary Journal - Poetry SubmissionDeclined
06/14/2012Poetry SubmissionCactus Heart Press - PoetryDeclined
10/08/2012Therapy/Travel AgencyParadise Review - PoetryReceived

Depressing, right?  I honestly don't know what these people want anymore.  And no, I don't submit everywhere.  Honeslty, looking for places to submit is work, in and of itself.  I'm not going to submit to a magazine that accepts horror lit, or abstract poetry, or magical realism', whatever that means--and I probably should know what that means.  

  I've been writing all my life, I can't imagine not writing something at least once a week, if not once a day.  Yesterday I wrote that my faith sustains me, but to be honest, it's writing, and thinking of stories, talking about stories and characters with my friends who understand.   Honestly, I think my biggest problem, and what holds me back the most is worrying what other people think.  I've heard so much, 'write for yourself' and that's what I do, for the most part, but the question remains, "If I'm writing for myself, and no one else wants it, how do I get what I want, what I've always wanted, and that is to be published?"  Ugh.  Therein lies the problem, I suppose, but what I need to work on is just being happy that I am writing, will continue to write, and that, published or not, I am, was, and always will be, a writer.   That's the truth.
   As to living with my depression, things have gotten really difficult lately.  Maybe it's my birthday fast approaching, maybe it's the fact that I recently got closure(and not good closure) to my twenty one year relationship, maybe it's the aforementioned rejections.   The medication I hoped would work gave me terrible insomnia and blurry vision that I couldn't tolerate.  I don't know what will help lift the weight this time, but I am headed back for another two week stint in rehab.  That's what helped the most, and I hope that I can do good work on myself as I did before, and I can figure out a better, more profitable plan for myself.  Wish me luck.

The Vast Indifference of What, Exactly?

This is one of my favorite songs of Warren's, and it perfectly describes what's going on in my life right now.  I've always considered myself a Person of faith.  I was raised strict Catholic, and it was never a problem for me.  In other words, as long as you lived in my parents house, you would get up for Sunday Mass.  When we were teenagers, even if we got in late the night before, we'd either get up for Mass, or drive ourselves to the Sunday night Mass.  Mom would wait dinner until we got home.  It was just how things were.  Unlike many kids my age, I didn't mind.   I liked going to Mass, hearing the readings, listening to the sermon.  For me, the rituals, the remembered prayers, and most important, the reception of the Blessed Sacrament gave a feeling of comfort that I didn't and couldn't get anywhere else.  

My faith was the one thing that sustained me during bad times and made me feel even better in good times, in fact, it helped me to hope for things to get better.

  When I broke off my engagement two years ago, for good reason, many things changed, and not just the obvious things, like the direction of my life, and all the plans I'd made over the past year, but my life view, period.   My faith in everything began to slip. I lost a lot of friends, and shortly after my relationship ended, I lost several family relationships that have not been able to be salvaged at all, one being my brother, who refuses to speak to me.

I started to wonder where was God in all this, if He cared at all, and on my darkest days if  He even existed at all.

  I'm sure some people, friends and acquaintances who are agnostic or atheists, might be happy for me to hear this, would tell that I'd finally woken up to the 'truth of things', that I've dropped all my fairy tales and illusions.  I'd love to party with them, but my heart's not in it. Something is missing, because, as I've said before, I need something to sustain me.

*Edit*  Something happened a few hours ago that makes me lean more towards keeping faith.  I spent some time in church tonight, praying, but I'm still not sure.  Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe, not in aliens,but in a God that truly loves me.   So many things are uncertain though.  We'll just have to see.

To be continued, I suppose.  As always, feedback is most welcome.