This is one of my favorite songs of Warren's, and it perfectly describes what's going on in my life right now. I've always considered myself a Person of faith. I was raised strict Catholic, and it was never a problem for me. In other words, as long as you lived in my parents house, you would get up for Sunday Mass. When we were teenagers, even if we got in late the night before, we'd either get up for Mass, or drive ourselves to the Sunday night Mass. Mom would wait dinner until we got home. It was just how things were. Unlike many kids my age, I didn't mind. I liked going to Mass, hearing the readings, listening to the sermon. For me, the rituals, the remembered prayers, and most important, the reception of the Blessed Sacrament gave a feeling of comfort that I didn't and couldn't get anywhere else.
My faith was the one thing that sustained me during bad times and made me feel even better in good times, in fact, it helped me to hope for things to get better.
When I broke off my engagement two years ago, for good reason, many things changed, and not just the obvious things, like the direction of my life, and all the plans I'd made over the past year, but my life view, period. My faith in everything began to slip. I lost a lot of friends, and shortly after my relationship ended, I lost several family relationships that have not been able to be salvaged at all, one being my brother, who refuses to speak to me.
I started to wonder where was God in all this, if He cared at all, and on my darkest days if He even existed at all.
I'm sure some people, friends and acquaintances who are agnostic or atheists, might be happy for me to hear this, would tell that I'd finally woken up to the 'truth of things', that I've dropped all my fairy tales and illusions. I'd love to party with them, but my heart's not in it. Something is missing, because, as I've said before, I need something to sustain me.
*Edit* Something happened a few hours ago that makes me lean more towards keeping faith. I spent some time in church tonight, praying, but I'm still not sure. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe, not in aliens,but in a God that truly loves me. So many things are uncertain though. We'll just have to see.
To be continued, I suppose. As always, feedback is most welcome.
Being agnostic, at least for me, has nothing to do with making other people feel that they are wrong. I'll debate, sure, but you believe in what you believe in, and that's okay by me. In fact, if it helps you, then all the better - that's what I say!
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