*Sigh*. So, it's the eve of my birthday(and no, a lady never tells her age) and five days before I go back to rehab again. I'm torn between thinking I'm a loser and knowing I'm doing the exact right thing for myself. I need to get away, to do some thinking, and most importantly, do my work so I can better take care of myself and be the person I'm supposed to be, content, healthy and well.
We'll see.
I've been thinking a great deal about everything, and yesterday my cousin sent me a bunch of old photos of our family. I found the one of myself and I know there are a lot of things I want to say to that kid, so here goes.
-You're beautiful
-You're smart(smarter than many kids your age, and yes, this will be a problem because there weren't many programs for gifted kids back then) You'll feel different, but you'll be alright.
-Some bad shit is going to happen to you, and it's not your fault. It'll feel like it is, but it's not, really. Trust me. I wish I could have told you that then, but I'm telling you now.
-It's not your responsibility to make everyone around you happy. They need to do their work. ----Take care of yourself, have fun. You're four, for God's sake. A four year old shouldn't worry like you do.
-Half the things your mom is going to tell you are wrong. You're not weird, strange, abnormal. You are you, and that's fine.
-Keep making up stories in your head. In a few years, you'll start to write them down. It will serve you well.
-Keep singing.
-Finally, it gets better. It does, and it will.
-l love you, kid.
Well, that was cathartic. As I begin another year, and I start again, I'm not going to make any sweeping promises to myself that everything will miraculously turn around. But, I'm going to do my work, and more importantly, be proud of the fact that I'm strong enough to do it.
A few weeks ago a fairly new friend of mine told me I was brave, and that blew my mind. When I asked him why, this is what he said.
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