But March isn't really far behind, in my book. Both months have been difficult for me for the past nine years. They're the anniversaries of my last nervous breakdown, which, for the most part I have put behind me, (except when the anniversary comes about) round, and round...
Ugh.
Nine years ago, my life unravelled. I was in New York, alone, dealing with a dubious relationship. My dad was dying, I'd just lost my job, mom was refusing to let me come down to Florida, I'd lost my disability and my apartment was a disaster.
On April 23, 2004 I wound up going into the hospital, on the the Fifth floor locked ward(the irony of that being that there was a movie of the same name made in the '70s)-
Look-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Abum4viDlaI
My experience was only slightly better. :P
Amazingly, I can laugh about that now.
On April 27th, 2004, my dad passed. I wasn't allowed out of the hospital for the funeral. Nine years later, around this time every year, the guilt comes back full force. Even though I know he understood. Even though I went to his memorial service a few months later, when we buried his ashes. I never really got to say goodbye, and I needed to. I suppose I'll always feel badly about that until I get to see him again, and apologize in person. If I'll even get that chance, doubtful, with the type of fath crisis I'm having now.
I've been told God doesn't give up on anyone. More credit to Him then, I feel like I'm a lost cause, and I'm just waiting for Him to realize the same thing.
Bottom line, living with major depression is a bitch. I hate talking about it, I hate feeling like this, I hate everything about my life right now.
The only thing that's changed in the past nine years is that I may just have better tools to deal with it.
-I use my sarcasm to make fun of myself.
-I don't lash out and alienate people as much as used to
-I basically retreat from everyone, rather than cling on to people as much as I used to(for the most part anyway)
-I channel the bulk of my crap feelings into writing, or going for a walk, or singing at the top of my lungs, or actually, managing to distract myself from the garbage for a while.
-I remind myself that I have the most awesome social media (and real) friends ever, most of whom I don't deserve, and two that I will never understand why they stick around, but they do.
And all this is good, I understand that. But the thing is, that I'm alone most of the time. I've been trying to remedy that for the past six months, and everything I've tried, has fallen through. For the next six weeks, I don't know if I have the energy to try to do anything at all.
The other thing is that my year is rapidly developing into a series of doctor and dentist appointments, trying to get my sugar stabilized, trying to get my teeth fixed, trying to get my eczema under control.
Most of the time I want to stay in bed. I'm longing for warmer weather, because then I'll be out more, walking, and feeling better. I know once my teeth are fixed, and I get on the right dosage of diabetes meds, and everything else, I'll continue to feel better.
But there are times, especially during these next six weeks when I just want to find someone, anyone, lay my head their shoulder and cry until I can't anymore, while they hug me as tightly as they can.
I know this will pass. It's the waiting that kills me.
Thanks for listening.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Three Memorable Things About Mehtaphor
To say that I am a fan of Chef Jehangir Mehta's food, style, philosophy, and attitude is to make not only the understatement of the year, but possibly, the decade. Anyone who follows me on Twitter, or reads my Facebook page, knows how much I supported him while he was on "Next Iron Chef', they know how disappointed I was when he was eliminated in the sixth week. I could go on about that if I thought it mattered, but it really doesn't.
HE WAS ROBBED. THAT'S ALL.
Moving on...
Over the past five months, I've had the opportunity to dine three times at Mehtaphor. Today, I want to write about my last trip to Mehtaphor which I enjoyed thoroughly, both for the food, and the experience. Just know, this won't be your typical restaurant review, as I am a writer, not a critic, so expect plenty of bias to be displayed, but then again, aren't all reviews, if anything, subjective?
I have to think that owning a restaurant anywhere, brings with it many challenges. That said, owning one, or more in a city like Manhattan has to bring with it, the regular challenges as well as some unique to being successful in a huge city with a restaurant on every corner, and serious competition everywhere. It's hard to get a regular following, and many places resort to gimmicks, or having articles written about celebrities who dine at their establishments, anything to attract attention, and of course more business into the restaurant.
Sometimes that works, and sometimes that doesn't.
What I like about Mehtaphor, is they seem to do things differently. They don't host big celebrity gatherings, they don't do much advertising They attract people not through gimmicks, but through their own merit. At least that's what I think. To be honest, it's not a high profile place, which really is a shame, because it should be. It kind of reminds me of the really great guy or girl who never gets considered for a relationship, and everyone who has experienced a situation like that knows how unfair it is.
So, that all said, I'm going to talk about three things that make dining at Mehtaphor a fantastic experience.
1. It's one of the most different and welcoming places I've been too, simply because of the decor. Sure it's small (it only seats about 45-50 people, ) but that doesn't matter. Everything seems to gel together in a wonderful, eclectic mix, from the colorful pillows that rest against the booths to the high, silver stools at the bar. The dark paneling adds a warm touch to the whole room, and somehow it all works together beautifully. That theme is carried out further through-
2. The menu which is both interesting and difficult to describe, that instead of writing endless paragraphs about it, I'll just let you read it yourselves.
http://mehtaphornyc.com/menu2.html
And that's not all, they also have a completely vegetarian menu as well-
http://mehtaphornyc.com/menu5.html
On my last visit, I had the foie gras, which was as wonderful as the first time I tried it last November. I honestly didn't expect to like it as much as I did, and I'll admit a tiny part of me still screams 'Oh no,organ meat!" right before I eat it, but then I take my first bite, and I'm lost. The foie gras is everything it should be, and the raspberry compote, with its tangy sweetness, compliments it perfectly.
I also enjoyed the Orange Ginger Shrimp Ceviche, which is both cooling from the fresh shrimp and warming from the ginger and cilantro.
Finally, for dessert, I had the hazelnut souffle with the homemade rum raisin ice cream. Simply put, there aren't words to describe how wonderful this is. I don't often wax poetic about food, but this deserves a sonnet at least, or a moment of silence. There is no doubt in my mind that the souffle was Divinely Inspired, from its crispy outer shell to the soft sweet custard beneath, redolent with nuts and spices. It's most definitely one of the best things I've ever eaten.
I have to think that owning a restaurant anywhere, brings with it many challenges. That said, owning one, or more in a city like Manhattan has to bring with it, the regular challenges as well as some unique to being successful in a huge city with a restaurant on every corner, and serious competition everywhere. It's hard to get a regular following, and many places resort to gimmicks, or having articles written about celebrities who dine at their establishments, anything to attract attention, and of course more business into the restaurant.
Sometimes that works, and sometimes that doesn't.
What I like about Mehtaphor, is they seem to do things differently. They don't host big celebrity gatherings, they don't do much advertising They attract people not through gimmicks, but through their own merit. At least that's what I think. To be honest, it's not a high profile place, which really is a shame, because it should be. It kind of reminds me of the really great guy or girl who never gets considered for a relationship, and everyone who has experienced a situation like that knows how unfair it is.
So, that all said, I'm going to talk about three things that make dining at Mehtaphor a fantastic experience.
1. It's one of the most different and welcoming places I've been too, simply because of the decor. Sure it's small (it only seats about 45-50 people, ) but that doesn't matter. Everything seems to gel together in a wonderful, eclectic mix, from the colorful pillows that rest against the booths to the high, silver stools at the bar. The dark paneling adds a warm touch to the whole room, and somehow it all works together beautifully. That theme is carried out further through-
2. The menu which is both interesting and difficult to describe, that instead of writing endless paragraphs about it, I'll just let you read it yourselves.
http://mehtaphornyc.com/menu2.html
And that's not all, they also have a completely vegetarian menu as well-
http://mehtaphornyc.com/menu5.html
On my last visit, I had the foie gras, which was as wonderful as the first time I tried it last November. I honestly didn't expect to like it as much as I did, and I'll admit a tiny part of me still screams 'Oh no,organ meat!" right before I eat it, but then I take my first bite, and I'm lost. The foie gras is everything it should be, and the raspberry compote, with its tangy sweetness, compliments it perfectly.
I also enjoyed the Orange Ginger Shrimp Ceviche, which is both cooling from the fresh shrimp and warming from the ginger and cilantro.
Finally, for dessert, I had the hazelnut souffle with the homemade rum raisin ice cream. Simply put, there aren't words to describe how wonderful this is. I don't often wax poetic about food, but this deserves a sonnet at least, or a moment of silence. There is no doubt in my mind that the souffle was Divinely Inspired, from its crispy outer shell to the soft sweet custard beneath, redolent with nuts and spices. It's most definitely one of the best things I've ever eaten.
3. In closing, the last thing that makes dining at Mehtaphor a memorable experience is the quality of service I receive every time I go there. I'm always greeted warmly when I arrive, and even when I'm only a party of one, I'm regulated to the last table in the darkest corner of the room, as so often happens at other places.
The servers don't hover, but they're always easy to find if you do have a question, and best of all, they don't rush you. It's one of the things I enjoy the most about the time I spend at Mehtaphor, and the main reason I make time every month to return.
You should go there too.
Soon.
The servers don't hover, but they're always easy to find if you do have a question, and best of all, they don't rush you. It's one of the things I enjoy the most about the time I spend at Mehtaphor, and the main reason I make time every month to return.
You should go there too.
Soon.
Monday, November 26, 2012
And Then There Were Six
I love this photo, and I'll tell you why. It's candid, it's a bit vague, but I know the story behind it. In that moment I was happy. I was proud of myself and I liked myself because I'd just done something great for another human being, someone I admired( and still admire) greatly.
Seeing what happened, later that night, and for the last two years, it seems I've spent most of the time trying to get back to that moment, to that place of well being and contentment. It's been a struggle.
I've written a great deal this year, about my writing, and about living with my depression. Sometimes it's been helpful, sometimes it's made things worse. I know some things I've said here have offended people, and honestly, that wasn't my intent at all. I offer apologies for anyone I may have unintentionally hurt.
I'm a work in progress, as always, and so much of 'what happens next' for me is uncertain. My faith has slipped a lot, I've lost a lot of trust in people. I don't like not knowing what happens next, and abhor change, even though I know things have to change, or you can't move forward.
So hence the title of this post. There are six weeks left to this less than stellar year, and while I have many things to say, I think I'll keep it to the positive stuff. So, I'd say this year I've learned to-
-Keep my mouth shut sometimes, to not pick fights, to try to make peace, rather than creative dissension, whenever possible.
-I've learned to be more gentle with people. To breathe, to take a step back, and to work on my patience. After all, I need that from others, now more than ever. I'm not saying I'm completely successful all the time, I'm still working on that. It's a process.
-I've learned I'm not as hideous as I think I am. I've been forgiven so much this year, and I am so grateful for that.
-I've learned to detach , with love, from people and situations who can't change, who refuse to give an inch. The brick wall won't crack, and I need to let it go, and accept what is, and rest my aching head and heart.
To everyone who's helped me this year thank you. I won't go through the list of names, oh, hell, I have to mention a few.
To Lisa, and Amy, and Jules. Again, thank you all, for everything. I know we will be friends until we're in the ground, and yes, I'm going first. You are my true sisters.
To Amanda, thanks for hanging on so far. I know it hasn't been easy, but I'm getting there. You'll see.
To my wonderful friends in the writing and culinary community- Michael Ruhlman, Simon Majumdar, and Jehangir Mehta, again, for the encouragement, for being willing to follow me on Twitter, for interacting with me so frequently, a million thanks. I love you guys so damned much.
So long, 2012. Up the staircase to 2013. Head up, eyes forward. Let's go!!!
Friday, November 2, 2012
Regarding 'The Next Iron Chef'
If you follow me on Twitter, or are a friend of mine on Facebook, you'll know, that since August, I've been posting and tweeting about 'The Next Iron Chef-Redemption' and the contestant that I've been supporting, Chef Jehangir Mehta. Which reminds me. Go vote for him. Here. NOW. I'll wait.
http://www.foodnetwork.com/next-iron-chef-fan-vote/package/index.html
Finished? Good, then I'll continue. :P
This Sunday, 3 days (or 2, if you want to be picky ) from now,'The Next Iron Chef-Redemption' starts, at 9pm EST on Food Network. If you've never watched it, it's really a fun show. Think of it as combination of 'Survivor' and 'The Amazing Race' only with cooking challenges, and somewhat bigger egos, where some of the chefs are concerned. And I'd be lying if I said I won't be watching to see what Alton Brown will be wearing every week, along with the fact he makes a great host, and his interactions with the chefs are always for lack of a better word, interesting. There'll be drama, backstabbing, tears, and of course, Redemption for one person.
I'm hoping it's Chef Mehta, and if you'll indulge me, as there are three days left, here are three reasons -(musical fanfare)
Chef Jehangir Mehta Should Be The Next Iron Chef
- He Loves NYC, and He Does Tons of Charity Work
- He Has Fantastic Cooking Chops And Skills
- He's a Beautiful Person, Inside and Out
He really does do TONS of charity work. There's hardly a week that goes by that I've not seen him either tweet or post on his Facebook page about some event he's either involved in or hosting. He's done dinners for Autism Speaks, and for Breast Cancer Research, to name two. He's also spoken about Childhood Literacy, a cause very near to my heart. He gives often of his time, and of his talents.
Speaking of his talents, the man can COOK. Watching him cook and create is fascinating, but that's not all that makes him Iron Chef worthy, in my opinion. Yes, he did start out as a pastry chef, and he is still is a (pardon my French) damned good one, he's so much more than that, and he demonstrates that every day at his two restaurants, Graffiti and Mehtaphor, both in NYC. I've had the pleasure of eating at Graffiti twice so far this year, and none of the dishes I've tasted have disappointed me. Again, though, it's more than that. It's the way the food is prepared, and the way it's presented, with such care and love. You can tell that cooking is not only the man's profession, but he is truly passionate about what he does. If and when you get a chance, go. I'm actually headed to Mehtaphor this coming Thursday, provided the trains are running, and the world isn't set on it's ear again.
His skills, combined with that passion would make him an excellent Iron Chef.
Finally, as I said, he is truly a beautiful person, inside and out, and this is not only what I feel, but what others have told me about him. As I've said before, I've followed his career since 2009, when he was on NIC the first time. Throughout the competition, as the contestants were eliminated I saw them display a variety of emotions, from sadness to rage. When, however, Chef Mehta lost to Chef Jose Garces in the final battle, his reaction was one of the most gracious I have ever seen. It impressed me.
That's one of the reasons that, when I found out back in August, that he was returning this year, I decided to support him, and when I asked him to follow me on Twitter, I was beyond pleased that he did. I had the pleasure of meeting him in September, and as nervous as I was, he took it all in stride. He even followed me outside Graffiti when I left that night, and thanked me again for coming.
This will probably embarrass him, and if it does, I apologize, but he is, as I like to say, a real person, very humble, completely without guile. The best example of this is something that happened last week, when I was having a very bad day, and I asked him for a few encouraging words. He took the time, not only to tweet me back, but say something that made me feel a million times better. I am happy to call him a friend.
Okay, so these reasons aren't exactly unbiased, but they are honest.
I wish all the competitors good luck on the show, and I look forward to seeing how it all unfolds.
Happy watching, everyone!n
A Brief, Personal Update
Sorry I haven't been blogging, or even writing these days. I've not really been in a mood to write, even as Nanowrimo is again upon us once again. My heart isn't in it, and that's probably because...
I've been back in rehab for the past two weeks, and just found out I'm there for at least another ten days. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Sure, the groups help, the individual therapy helps, there are days when I actually feel like I've Learned Something, whatever that may be, but let's be frank. I won't be in Rehab forever, I won't have all the constant supports around me in my life for more than the next week, at most, and I wonder most days, how I'll get through.
I'm also on a new med, Delpin--(which, after getting the RX filled and staring at the bottle for a week, I am finally taking). It's too soon to tell, of course, if it works. It's not very comforting to know that not many of the doctors or therapists I've spoken to, have heard of it. As always, we'll see.
I suppose the bottom line is, I'm still here. I've lived with my depression for thirty years now, and if I'm truly honest, not all of it has been horrible. It's just with Winter approaching and everything else....well, I think you know. Then again, maybe I'm stronger than I think I am. Maybe.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
So many things to say...
https://twitter.com/walters_furry/status/256443771678511104/photo/1
@walters_furry you are up each day and do what is expected of you, whether you want to or not. That is being brave in my eyes
*Sigh*. So, it's the eve of my birthday(and no, a lady never tells her age) and five days before I go back to rehab again. I'm torn between thinking I'm a loser and knowing I'm doing the exact right thing for myself. I need to get away, to do some thinking, and most importantly, do my work so I can better take care of myself and be the person I'm supposed to be, content, healthy and well.
We'll see.
I've been thinking a great deal about everything, and yesterday my cousin sent me a bunch of old photos of our family. I found the one of myself and I know there are a lot of things I want to say to that kid, so here goes.
-You're beautiful
-You're smart(smarter than many kids your age, and yes, this will be a problem because there weren't many programs for gifted kids back then) You'll feel different, but you'll be alright.
-Some bad shit is going to happen to you, and it's not your fault. It'll feel like it is, but it's not, really. Trust me. I wish I could have told you that then, but I'm telling you now.
-It's not your responsibility to make everyone around you happy. They need to do their work. ----Take care of yourself, have fun. You're four, for God's sake. A four year old shouldn't worry like you do.
-Half the things your mom is going to tell you are wrong. You're not weird, strange, abnormal. You are you, and that's fine.
-Keep making up stories in your head. In a few years, you'll start to write them down. It will serve you well.
-Keep singing.
-Finally, it gets better. It does, and it will.
-l love you, kid.
Well, that was cathartic. As I begin another year, and I start again, I'm not going to make any sweeping promises to myself that everything will miraculously turn around. But, I'm going to do my work, and more importantly, be proud of the fact that I'm strong enough to do it.
A few weeks ago a fairly new friend of mine told me I was brave, and that blew my mind. When I asked him why, this is what he said.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Look! A Post that Actually Sticks to What I Said the Theme of This Blog Is!
This is not a happy post, so you have all been warned. If you're not interested, or if you don't care to read about the set backs and trials of being a writer, or the drawbacks and struggles of living with depression, then you're welcome to leave now, I'll wait.
Have they gone? Alright, if there's anyone left, here goes.
Let's start with this, a small sampling of the kind of reaction all my submissions have gotten over the past few years. Understand, a very small sample--I have at least one hundred more rejections-
DateTitleOrganizationStatus
04/29/2010AbsolutionPalooka - PoetryDeclined
08/19/2012All Saints DayFiction Fix - FictionIn-Progress
07/31/2010CrossroadsThe Associative Press - PoetryDeclined
05/16/2010CrossroadsHayden's Ferry Review - poetryDeclined
06/05
Have they gone? Alright, if there's anyone left, here goes.
Let's start with this, a small sampling of the kind of reaction all my submissions have gotten over the past few years. Understand, a very small sample--I have at least one hundred more rejections-
DateTitleOrganizationStatus
04/29/2010AbsolutionPalooka - PoetryDeclined
08/19/2012All Saints DayFiction Fix - FictionIn-Progress
07/31/2010CrossroadsThe Associative Press - PoetryDeclined
05/16/2010CrossroadsHayden's Ferry Review - poetryDeclined
06/05
/2012Full HoneymoonLinden Avenue - Flash FictionDeclined
05/29/2012Full HoneymoonFlash Fiction Online - OTHERDeclined
07/15/2012Mikusinski-Poems Crossroads, Part One, and InterludeBlue Lyra Review - PoetryDeclined
06/10/2012PoetryA Few Lines Magazine - PoetryDeclined
05/31/2012PoetryOstrich Review - PoetryDeclined
06/28/2012Poetry SubmissionThe Boiler Journal - PoetryDeclined
06/25/2012Poetry Submission42 Magazine - PoetryDeclined
06/18/2012Poetry SubmissionHyphenate Magazine - PoetryIn-Progress
06/15/2012Poetry SubmissionBurningword Literary Journal - Poetry SubmissionDeclined
06/14/2012Poetry SubmissionCactus Heart Press - PoetryDeclined
10/08/2012Therapy/Travel AgencyParadise Review - PoetryReceived
05/29/2012Full HoneymoonFlash Fiction Online - OTHERDeclined
07/15/2012Mikusinski-Poems Crossroads, Part One, and InterludeBlue Lyra Review - PoetryDeclined
06/10/2012PoetryA Few Lines Magazine - PoetryDeclined
05/31/2012PoetryOstrich Review - PoetryDeclined
06/28/2012Poetry SubmissionThe Boiler Journal - PoetryDeclined
06/25/2012Poetry Submission42 Magazine - PoetryDeclined
06/18/2012Poetry SubmissionHyphenate Magazine - PoetryIn-Progress
06/15/2012Poetry SubmissionBurningword Literary Journal - Poetry SubmissionDeclined
06/14/2012Poetry SubmissionCactus Heart Press - PoetryDeclined
10/08/2012Therapy/Travel AgencyParadise Review - PoetryReceived
Depressing, right? I honestly don't know what these people want anymore. And no, I don't submit everywhere. Honeslty, looking for places to submit is work, in and of itself. I'm not going to submit to a magazine that accepts horror lit, or abstract poetry, or magical realism', whatever that means--and I probably should know what that means.
I've been writing all my life, I can't imagine not writing something at least once a week, if not once a day. Yesterday I wrote that my faith sustains me, but to be honest, it's writing, and thinking of stories, talking about stories and characters with my friends who understand. Honestly, I think my biggest problem, and what holds me back the most is worrying what other people think. I've heard so much, 'write for yourself' and that's what I do, for the most part, but the question remains, "If I'm writing for myself, and no one else wants it, how do I get what I want, what I've always wanted, and that is to be published?" Ugh. Therein lies the problem, I suppose, but what I need to work on is just being happy that I am writing, will continue to write, and that, published or not, I am, was, and always will be, a writer. That's the truth.
As to living with my depression, things have gotten really difficult lately. Maybe it's my birthday fast approaching, maybe it's the fact that I recently got closure(and not good closure) to my twenty one year relationship, maybe it's the aforementioned rejections. The medication I hoped would work gave me terrible insomnia and blurry vision that I couldn't tolerate. I don't know what will help lift the weight this time, but I am headed back for another two week stint in rehab. That's what helped the most, and I hope that I can do good work on myself as I did before, and I can figure out a better, more profitable plan for myself. Wish me luck.
As to living with my depression, things have gotten really difficult lately. Maybe it's my birthday fast approaching, maybe it's the fact that I recently got closure(and not good closure) to my twenty one year relationship, maybe it's the aforementioned rejections. The medication I hoped would work gave me terrible insomnia and blurry vision that I couldn't tolerate. I don't know what will help lift the weight this time, but I am headed back for another two week stint in rehab. That's what helped the most, and I hope that I can do good work on myself as I did before, and I can figure out a better, more profitable plan for myself. Wish me luck.
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