And Then There Were Six

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I love this photo, and I'll tell you why.   It's candid, it's a bit vague, but I know the story behind it.  In that moment I was happy.  I was proud of myself and I liked myself because I'd just done something great for another human being, someone I admired( and still admire) greatly.
Seeing what happened, later that night, and for the last two years, it seems I've spent most of the time trying to get back to that moment, to that place of well being and contentment.   It's been a struggle.
I've written a great deal this year, about my writing, and about living with my depression.  Sometimes it's been helpful, sometimes it's made things worse.   I know some things I've said here have offended people, and honestly, that wasn't my intent at all.  I offer apologies for anyone I may have unintentionally hurt.
I'm a work in progress, as always, and so much of 'what happens next' for me is uncertain.   My faith has slipped a lot, I've lost a lot of trust in people.   I don't like not knowing what happens next, and abhor change, even though I know things have to change, or you can't move forward.
So hence the title of this post.   There are six weeks left to this less than stellar year, and while I have many things to say, I think I'll keep it to the positive stuff.  So, I'd say this year I've learned to-
-Keep my mouth shut sometimes, to not pick fights, to try to make peace, rather than creative dissension, whenever possible.
-I've learned to be more gentle with people.  To breathe, to take a step back, and to work on my patience.  After all, I need that from others, now more than ever.  I'm not saying I'm completely successful all the time, I'm still working on that.  It's a process.
-I've learned I'm not as hideous as I think I am.  I've been forgiven so much this year, and I am so grateful for that.
-I've learned to detach , with love, from people and situations who can't change, who refuse to give an inch.  The brick wall won't crack, and I need to let it go, and accept what is, and rest my aching head and heart.
To everyone who's helped me this year thank you.  I won't go through the list of names, oh, hell, I have to mention a few.
To Lisa, and Amy, and Jules.  Again, thank you all, for everything.  I know we will be friends until we're in the ground, and yes, I'm going first.  You are my true sisters.
To Amanda, thanks for hanging on so far.   I know it hasn't been easy, but I'm getting there.  You'll see.
To my wonderful friends in the writing and culinary community- Michael Ruhlman, Simon Majumdar, and Jehangir Mehta, again, for the encouragement, for being willing to follow me on Twitter, for interacting with me so frequently, a million thanks.   I love you guys so damned much.
So long, 2012.  Up the staircase to 2013.  Head up, eyes forward.  Let's go!!!

Regarding 'The Next Iron Chef'

If you follow me on Twitter, or are a friend of mine on Facebook, you'll know, that since August,  I've been posting and tweeting about 'The Next Iron Chef-Redemption' and the contestant that I've been supporting, Chef Jehangir Mehta.  Which reminds me.   Go vote for him.  Here. NOW.  I'll wait.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/next-iron-chef-fan-vote/package/index.html
Finished?  Good, then I'll continue. :P
This Sunday, 3 days (or 2, if you want to be picky )  from now,'The Next Iron Chef-Redemption' starts, at 9pm EST on Food Network.    If you've never watched it, it's really a fun show.  Think of it as combination of 'Survivor' and 'The Amazing Race' only with cooking challenges, and somewhat bigger egos, where some of the chefs are concerned. And I'd be lying if I said I won't be watching to see what Alton Brown will be wearing every week, along with the fact he makes a great host, and his interactions with the chefs are always for lack of a better word, interesting.  There'll be drama, backstabbing, tears, and of course, Redemption for one person.
  I'm hoping it's Chef Mehta, and if you'll indulge me, as there are three days left, here are three reasons -(musical fanfare)
Chef Jehangir Mehta Should Be The Next Iron Chef

1. He Loves NYC, and He Does Tons of Charity Work
2. He Has Fantastic Cooking Chops And Skills
3. He's a Beautiful Person, Inside and Out     

To elaborate on each point
He really does do TONS of charity work.  There's hardly a week that goes by that I've not seen him either tweet or post on his Facebook page about some event he's either involved in or hosting.  He's done dinners for Autism Speaks, and for Breast Cancer Research, to name two.  He's also spoken about Childhood Literacy, a cause very near to my heart.   He gives often of his time, and of his talents.
Speaking of his talents, the man can COOK.  Watching him cook and create is fascinating, but that's not all that makes him Iron Chef worthy, in my opinion. Yes, he did start out as a pastry chef, and he is still is a (pardon my French) damned good one, he's so much more than that, and he demonstrates that every day at his two restaurants, Graffiti and Mehtaphor, both in NYC.   I've had the pleasure of eating at Graffiti twice so far this year, and none of the dishes I've tasted have disappointed me.  Again, though, it's more than that.  It's the way the food is prepared, and the way it's presented, with such care and love.  You can tell that cooking is not only the man's profession, but he is truly passionate about what he does.  If and when you get a chance, go.  I'm actually headed to Mehtaphor this coming Thursday, provided the trains are running, and the world isn't set on it's ear again.
His skills, combined with that passion would make him an excellent Iron Chef.
Finally, as I said, he is truly a beautiful person, inside and out, and this is not only what I feel, but what others have told me about him.  As I've said before, I've followed his career since 2009, when he was on NIC the first time.   Throughout the competition, as the contestants were eliminated I saw them display a variety of emotions, from sadness to rage.  When, however, Chef Mehta lost to Chef Jose Garces in the final battle, his reaction was one of the most gracious I have ever seen.  It impressed me.
That's one of the reasons that, when I found out back in August, that he was returning this year, I decided to support him, and when I asked him to follow me on Twitter, I was beyond pleased that he did.  I had the pleasure of meeting him in September, and as nervous as I was, he took it all in stride.  He even followed me outside Graffiti when I left that night, and thanked me again for coming.
  This will probably embarrass him, and if it does, I apologize, but he is, as I like to say, a real person, very humble, completely without guile.   The best example of this is something that happened last week, when I was having a very bad day, and I asked him for a few encouraging words.  He took the time, not only to tweet me back, but say something that made me feel a million times better.  I am happy to call him a friend.
  Okay, so these reasons aren't exactly unbiased, but they are honest.
I wish all the competitors good luck on the show, and I look forward to seeing how it all unfolds.
Happy watching, everyone!n

A Brief, Personal Update

Sorry I haven't been blogging, or even writing these days. I've not really been in a mood to write, even as Nanowrimo is again upon us once again.  My heart isn't in it, and that's probably because...
I've been back in rehab for the past two weeks, and just found out I'm there for at least another ten days.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Sure, the groups help, the individual therapy helps, there are days when I actually feel like I've Learned Something, whatever that may be, but let's be frank.  I won't be in Rehab forever, I won't have all the constant supports around me in my life for more than the next week, at most, and I wonder most days, how I'll get through.
I'm also on a new med, Delpin--(which, after getting the RX filled and staring at the bottle for a week, I am finally taking).  It's too soon to tell, of course, if it works.  It's not very comforting to know that not many of the doctors or therapists I've spoken to, have heard of it.  As always, we'll see.
I suppose the bottom line is, I'm still here.  I've lived with my depression for thirty years now, and if I'm truly honest, not all of it has been horrible.   It's just with Winter approaching and everything else....well, I think you know.   Then again, maybe I'm stronger than I think I am.  Maybe.

So many things to say...

https://twitter.com/walters_furry/status/256443771678511104/photo/1

*Sigh*.   So, it's the eve of my birthday(and no, a lady never tells her age) and five days before I go back to rehab again.  I'm torn between thinking I'm a loser and knowing I'm doing the exact right thing for myself.  I need to get away, to do some thinking, and most importantly, do my work so I can better take care of myself and be the person I'm supposed to be, content, healthy and well.

  We'll see.

I've been thinking a great deal about everything, and yesterday my cousin sent me a bunch of old photos of our family.   I found the one of myself and I know there are a lot of things I want to say to that kid, so here goes.

-You're beautiful

-You're smart(smarter than many kids your age, and yes, this will be a problem because there weren't many programs for gifted kids back then)  You'll feel different, but you'll be alright.

-Some bad shit is going to happen to you, and it's not your fault.  It'll feel like it is, but it's not, really.  Trust me.  I wish I could have told you that then, but I'm telling you now.

-It's not your responsibility to make everyone around you happy.  They need to do their work.  ----Take care of yourself, have fun.  You're four, for God's sake.  A four year old shouldn't worry like you do.

-Half the things your mom is going to tell you are wrong.  You're not weird, strange, abnormal.  You are you, and that's fine.

-Keep making up stories in your head.   In a few years, you'll start to write them down.  It will serve you well.

-Keep singing.

-Finally, it gets better.  It does, and it will.

-l love you, kid.  

Well, that was cathartic.   As I begin another year, and I start again, I'm not going to make any sweeping promises to myself that everything will miraculously turn around.  But, I'm going to do my work, and more importantly, be proud of the fact that I'm strong enough to do it.

  A few weeks ago a fairly new friend of mine told me I was brave, and that blew my mind.  When I asked him why, this is what he said.

Jehangir Mehta ‏@jehangir_mehta

@walters_furry you are up each day and do what is expected of you, whether you want to or not. That is being brave in my eyes

After thinking about this for a while, I agree.  Thanks again, J.

I''m going to do my best.   

Wish me luck.

Look! A Post that Actually Sticks to What I Said the Theme of This Blog Is!

This is not a happy post, so you have all been warned.  If you're not interested, or if you don't care to read about the set backs and trials of being a writer, or the drawbacks and struggles of living with depression, then you're welcome to leave now, I'll wait.

Have they gone?  Alright, if there's anyone left, here goes.

Let's start with this, a small sampling of the kind of reaction all my submissions have gotten over the past few years.  Understand, a very small sample--I have at least one hundred more rejections-
DateTitleOrganizationStatus
04/29/2010AbsolutionPalooka - PoetryDeclined
08/19/2012All Saints DayFiction Fix - FictionIn-Progress
07/31/2010CrossroadsThe Associative Press - PoetryDeclined
05/16/2010CrossroadsHayden's Ferry Review - poetryDeclined
06/05

/2012Full HoneymoonLinden Avenue - Flash FictionDeclined
05/29/2012Full HoneymoonFlash Fiction Online - OTHERDeclined
07/15/2012Mikusinski-Poems Crossroads, Part One, and InterludeBlue Lyra Review - PoetryDeclined
06/10/2012PoetryA Few Lines Magazine - PoetryDeclined
05/31/2012PoetryOstrich Review - PoetryDeclined
06/28/2012Poetry SubmissionThe Boiler Journal - PoetryDeclined
06/25/2012Poetry Submission42 Magazine - PoetryDeclined
06/18/2012Poetry SubmissionHyphenate Magazine - PoetryIn-Progress
06/15/2012Poetry SubmissionBurningword Literary Journal - Poetry SubmissionDeclined
06/14/2012Poetry SubmissionCactus Heart Press - PoetryDeclined
10/08/2012Therapy/Travel AgencyParadise Review - PoetryReceived

Depressing, right?  I honestly don't know what these people want anymore.  And no, I don't submit everywhere.  Honeslty, looking for places to submit is work, in and of itself.  I'm not going to submit to a magazine that accepts horror lit, or abstract poetry, or magical realism', whatever that means--and I probably should know what that means.  

  I've been writing all my life, I can't imagine not writing something at least once a week, if not once a day.  Yesterday I wrote that my faith sustains me, but to be honest, it's writing, and thinking of stories, talking about stories and characters with my friends who understand.   Honestly, I think my biggest problem, and what holds me back the most is worrying what other people think.  I've heard so much, 'write for yourself' and that's what I do, for the most part, but the question remains, "If I'm writing for myself, and no one else wants it, how do I get what I want, what I've always wanted, and that is to be published?"  Ugh.  Therein lies the problem, I suppose, but what I need to work on is just being happy that I am writing, will continue to write, and that, published or not, I am, was, and always will be, a writer.   That's the truth.
   As to living with my depression, things have gotten really difficult lately.  Maybe it's my birthday fast approaching, maybe it's the fact that I recently got closure(and not good closure) to my twenty one year relationship, maybe it's the aforementioned rejections.   The medication I hoped would work gave me terrible insomnia and blurry vision that I couldn't tolerate.  I don't know what will help lift the weight this time, but I am headed back for another two week stint in rehab.  That's what helped the most, and I hope that I can do good work on myself as I did before, and I can figure out a better, more profitable plan for myself.  Wish me luck.

The Vast Indifference of What, Exactly?

This is one of my favorite songs of Warren's, and it perfectly describes what's going on in my life right now.  I've always considered myself a Person of faith.  I was raised strict Catholic, and it was never a problem for me.  In other words, as long as you lived in my parents house, you would get up for Sunday Mass.  When we were teenagers, even if we got in late the night before, we'd either get up for Mass, or drive ourselves to the Sunday night Mass.  Mom would wait dinner until we got home.  It was just how things were.  Unlike many kids my age, I didn't mind.   I liked going to Mass, hearing the readings, listening to the sermon.  For me, the rituals, the remembered prayers, and most important, the reception of the Blessed Sacrament gave a feeling of comfort that I didn't and couldn't get anywhere else.  

My faith was the one thing that sustained me during bad times and made me feel even better in good times, in fact, it helped me to hope for things to get better.

  When I broke off my engagement two years ago, for good reason, many things changed, and not just the obvious things, like the direction of my life, and all the plans I'd made over the past year, but my life view, period.   My faith in everything began to slip. I lost a lot of friends, and shortly after my relationship ended, I lost several family relationships that have not been able to be salvaged at all, one being my brother, who refuses to speak to me.

I started to wonder where was God in all this, if He cared at all, and on my darkest days if  He even existed at all.

  I'm sure some people, friends and acquaintances who are agnostic or atheists, might be happy for me to hear this, would tell that I'd finally woken up to the 'truth of things', that I've dropped all my fairy tales and illusions.  I'd love to party with them, but my heart's not in it. Something is missing, because, as I've said before, I need something to sustain me.

*Edit*  Something happened a few hours ago that makes me lean more towards keeping faith.  I spent some time in church tonight, praying, but I'm still not sure.  Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe, not in aliens,but in a God that truly loves me.   So many things are uncertain though.  We'll just have to see.

To be continued, I suppose.  As always, feedback is most welcome.

Writer, Interrupted.

If this is truly going to be a blog about living with mental illness and being a writer, I have to find some way to connect the two.   I've really been conflicted over the past week, wondering if I want to continue the blog at all.   Sometimes it goes days without a hit, except some random pervert looking up '50 Shades of Grey'--I wrote a post about that MONTHS ago--and that's discouraging.
  And, I hate to whine, although it could be argued that what I write is not whining. Maybe I'm not sure.   Anyway, if anyone out there in cyberspace could comment on what I'm writing, that would be helpful.  It would make me feel like I'm not screaming into the wind all the time.
Anyway, seems I'm back in limbo again.  I have a bunch of submissions I recently sent out, so I'm waiting to hear back.   I'm in love, with a few things; which is normal  for me, and as always, I'm trying to find a place in this world, and a feeling of belonging and just general peace.
  Last week, I spent the night in the psyche ER, and it was in one way a wake up call, and in another, a slap in the face.  It's been nine years since I was hospitalized.   I never intend to be on a locked ward again, but I was feeling so desperately sad and hopeless that I forgot to watch my words, and said something, apparently, that made the woman on the other end of the Helpline think she needed to call the cops to haul me to the ER, where I sat for five hours, talking to NO ONE but a nurse practitioner.  I was forced to change into scrubs and then couldn't even reason with the people who wanted to keep me there overnight.
  I barely slept but thought of some great story ideas, and kind of different perspective of my life, which, I have to be frank, is challenging right now.  Starting 10/7- I"m going back for two more weeks of rehab.  It's kind of a refresher course.  The setbacks have left me sort of shaky.  It's not a bad thing, that's what I keep telling myself.  Wish me luck, send goo
  Most of my friends have heard me say in the past weeks that I want to die.  It's not true.  I want things to be better, so I can live better, be a better person, and a better friend.  
I have so much I want to say, and I'm blessed enough to have the stories in my head to tell, and the characters to tell them with.
  I'm scared and excited, and worried all at once, and it gives me comfort to know that more than one famous writer did a stint or two(or six) in some sort of lockup.   I suppose I'm in good company.
And with that said, I'm going to get back to writing---
To quote a dear friend, "To Balance, Strength, Love, Faith, and Hope".  I've been trying to think of those things.
We'll see how it goes.  To everyone who's supported me lately--esp Lisa , Amanda, Brenda, Amy and Jules, thank you all, so much.
And to J-I still don't think I'm brave, and you thinking that blows my tiny little mind.  Thanks again.
As always, watch this space.